The problem of conversation

Listening and talking are two components involved in any conversation. Listening is something which is more important than talking, to ensure proper conversation.

How to listen –

I’ve found it very difficult to listen to people. I realized its important to listen without being judgmental or without mixing one’s own views into what is being said. So the problem of how to listen is an important one and concerns each individual (esp those who are getting educated, since listening to the teacher or the writer of a book is an essential part of their life).

The difference between ‘to understand’ and ‘to agree’

We mix the above two phrases to be the same. We somehow believe that to understand is the same as to agree, but there is a distinct and important difference.

When we try to listen to somebody, we need to first understand what is being said. Once we have understood, then we can decide whether is we agree or disagree with what was said. That’s how the sequence is. In fact unless we understand what was said, we simply cannot decide upon agreeing or disagreeing.

This is one common mistake we do. Even before the speaker has uttered a word we tend to take a position whether we would want to agree or disagree with the speaker and then we go about listening to him. If the speaker is a highly qualified person, we would take a different position or if the speaker is of not so favorable image we would take a different position. In both the cases, we run the risk of not understanding (fully or partially) of what was said. In both the cases we tend to listen with a very colored view, judgmental view.

The difference between Word and Meaning

We often also tend to confuse between the words Word and Meaning, when we are trying to listen and as a result a lot of wrong communication (or no communication) takes place.

Let there be two individuals A and B. A is trying to communicate something to B. What A is trying to say is a meaning (say M1). A would choose a word to convey that meaning (say W1). What B hears is a word (say W2) and then deduces a meaning out of it (say M2)

A -----------------------------> B

M1---->W1---------------------------> W2---->M2

So for communication to take place, its important for M1=M2. I’ll explain with a common example, if in college a boy says ‘I love you’ to a girl, its important for the girl to understand the meaning of the word ‘love’ to understand what is being said. It’s important that the girl understands the meaning of ‘love’ which the boy is trying to communicate and not assume it to be any other meaning. It’s possible that the boy is using the word ‘love’ to communicate a feeling of friendship where as the girl is assuming ‘love’ to be something other than that. And in such a case wrong communication is likely to take place.

Role of questions-

Questions play an important role to help bridge the difference between M1 and M2 if any. The listener can always raise questions to get to the right meaning. The important thing to keep in mind here is the purpose of questioning. The purpose is to get to the right meaning, to understand what is being said and NOT to argue or to prove your point. If the listener is asking questions to argue, then it means that he has already taken a stand of disagreement even before understanding. Such a thing only the listener can decide for himself, for only he knows why he is asking the question.

Such cases are very common in are families. The father says something to his daughter, the daughter takes it in a different sense and there is fight. In modern terms such things maybe described as generation gap, but sometimes they are nothing more than a simple problem of word and meaning, a problem of listening.

I feel a lot of our problems of relationship would be resolved if we keep the above two points in mind. A lot of times what we call ego is nothing more than this problem.