Dilemmas and Failures

The last few months (almost an year) has been full of failures and dilemmas for me. I came up with fantastic theories about life, about living and yet when it came to me, i failed to live up to them. I failed in my own theories. And that hit me the hardest. To fail is always painful, but its alright to fail in a concept which was given by someone else. But to fail in one's own concept is like falling in one's own eyes. and it is tough, very tough.

I was (and still am) happy about the concepts I came up with. They were my own concepts. They may not necessarily have been new, but the fact that I discovered them on my own made me proud of myself. It was like stumbling onto some aspect of reality on my own. It was like for once not quoting anyone, but oneself. And the more I thought of those concepts, the more foolproof I found them. I actually thought that they work beautifully well in life. And then came a time, when I myself quit on these very concepts. I for once closed my eyes to the reality I myself had discovered. Like for example I had this concept of 'Not walking out' in a relationship, no matter what happens. I called it the 'Bottom line'. I saw this bottom line in many Indian families, including mine. I saw this man full of anger and helplessness beating his wife on a railway platform. And with each blow he gave to his wife, his anger would increase. He was angry at himself for venting out like this on his wife. And then he stopped, and decided to walk away. He decided to leave his wife and a little kid, and just walk away to a new life, to a new beginning. I saw him walk to the end of the platform and then stop. He stopped. He could not walk away. He stopped, turned back and came back to his wife, who sat there watching him leave. He came back to her, sat next to her and started crying. The wife also joined him, and they both wept quietly. They made their own little corner in the middle of the platform, in middle of people walking, trains coming and they cried. They shared there sadness together. For me that was love and only love. Thank god I m not a feminist (and belong to any other ism), otherwise I could so easily have missed that love and interpreted the whole thing as a form of domestic violence. I only saw love in the whole episode. And my theory of 'Not walking out' in a relation got grounded then.
I saw a very ordinary man, who is probably struggling to even arrange for daily meal, did not walk out. I still believe the promise we give to each other, that no matter what we shall not walk out, is the foundation of any relation. But when it came to my relation, I chose to walk out. I kept telling myself, look you can't walk out, yet I did. It was like killing one's own theory, like proving oneself wrong. It hit me hard, very hard.
I now and sit back and think about what happened. And the only reason Im able to give to myself is that its a matter of gap between 'vichaar' and 'vyavhaar'. We first think, and then we try to bring it into our lives in the form of behavior and work. But there is a journey which needs to be traveled from Vichaar in mind to Vyavhaar in actions and then finally to work in life. And during this journey we learn a lot about the theory, we stumble upon those fine, little points of reality which we had missed. I tell this to myself and feel better about me. I feel its still a journey for me where lot remains to be learnt. And so I tell myself, it's ok to make mistakes. But then am I justifying my mistakes? I keep swinging between these two points, and hence the mood swings.

I thought a million times before putting it on a blog. I will do it today. And no editing this time.